You’ve gotten so much clarity—about your story, the root of your triggers, your experience in your family of origin. You can name some of why you think/feel/make choices the way you do.

And that’s helpful. It can often bring some relief.

But usually there’s a gap between that place and being able to do things differently. You know why you make a certain choice, but you make it anyway. You know that the way your mother relates to you is about her own issues, you know it’s coming, and yet you still get reactive. You’re very aware that your thoughts aren’t helpful and they’re coming from your younger self, you may even know the root of them—yet the thoughts still come and it feels like you can’t change them.

Sound familiar?

That in-between place is real. And it’s not a one-time stop on the journey. It shows up all throughout the process—at different points, around different things. You’ll notice it when you’re connecting with a part of your story that you haven’t before, even if you’ve done deep work and seen changes in other areas. You’ll notice it when you’re setting a different boundary with a friend or family member. 

So it’s something you’ll experience at different points on your healing path. But usually, the discomfort becomes less acute over time. As you continue to heal, the muscle for doing things differently is more developed. So the gap may not feel as big or you may not be in the in-between place as long.

These patterns have been in place for a long time. Of course it takes time to move through them. Each time you do things differently you’re connecting more to today’s reality.

In my experience, both personally and professionally, I think this is one of the most difficult aspects of the healing process. Because when we didn’t know what was going on, life was hard—but not in this particular way. This way is: I know what’s happening. I know there’s another way. And I can’t get there yet.

It’s like your mind, brain, body and heart aren’t all on the same page yet.

That’s its own kind of hard. It’s hard because you’re tired and so desperately want things to be different. And it can be really uncomfortable. Before, when you didn’t have the clarity that you do now, your coping strategies were in place and oftentimes, the fact that you were experiencing something difficult hardly even registered.

But now, you know what’s up. You know what your reaction links back to and maybe you’ve even done some work on it. You have an understanding of what’s happening, but you still react and think like you have in the past.

And then sometimes, a critical voice comes into the mix:

You should know this by now.

You’ve been in therapy for years and you’re still getting activated?

You know what’s happening; what’s wrong with you that you can’t do it differently?

If you only take away one thing from this, it’s that the in-between place is part of the work of healing. It’s not a sign that something has gone wrong or that you’re stuck. It’s actually evidence you’re growing and things are shifting. You can’t be in the in-between place without having moved—you had to get somewhere new to notice the gap.

When you find yourself in this place the instinct might be to push through or figure your way out of it. But there are some things that might help:

• Practice acceptance: This isn’t resignation. “Well, Beth said this is going to happen, so I guess I have to deal with it.” Acceptance says, “OK, this is part of the healing experience. I’m going to notice it without judgment and be with the experience of it.”
• Acknowledge the critical voice: Don’t avoid that voice or pretend it’s not there. That won’t make it go away. It’s an old adaptive strategy and it makes sense that it’s coming up when you’re feeling unsure. Think of it like a child who’s trying to get your attention—often when we acknowledge, it can quiet things down.
• Don’t go around or ignore the discomfort: Acknowledge that it’s there and let yourself know what it feels like. A great way to do this is to sit with your journal and describe what it feels like to be in the in-between place. Notice what it feels like in your body.
• Take a deep breath and get back into the moment: This sounds simplistic, but it goes a long way. It looks like acknowledging the critical thought, taking a deep breath, and getting back to the moment. “Ok, there’s that judgment. [Deep breath] Now I’m going to get back to getting a drink of water.”

It feels important to name this experience. I’ve been there. I remember the discomfort in my belly, the frustration of understanding something and still not being able to move differently. 

It’s real, it’s hard, and it’s also part of the work. I’ve sat with countless people who’ve been exactly where you are right now. Approach this place with curiosity. Allow it to be what it is. That will open things up for you to continue along your healing path..

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash