We’re well into this pandemic and things still feel strange. And I’m glad that they do. I don’t want the current reality to feel normal. Because it isn’t.
I’ve been hearing from many of my clients about ways they are operating that aren’t typical for them. They feel off or unsettled. They’re engaging in behaviors that they know aren’t helpful, or they’re experiencing reactions that don’t match the situation. I’m hearing a lot of, “I just don’t know what’s going on with me.” My answer? A pandemic is what’s going on with you.
We can’t underestimate the impact of these unusual times. For starters, the whole world is having a traumatic experience. And traumatic experiences can trigger a trauma response that may seem confusing or out-of-line with reality, especially if you have unresolved trauma from your past. If that is the case, your current trauma is going to trigger past traumas, which can kick you into survival mode. Basically, this means that the current trauma can trigger the child ego states within you.
I’ll tell you what I mean by that, but first some context. In my work with clients, I use a developmental trauma model developed by Pia Mellody. And a foundational part of that model is a healing and reparenting component. What that means is that your Functional Adult self (your adult ego state) learns to give your Wounded/Adapted Child self (your child ego states) the nurturing, affirmation, and guidance that you needed but didn’t receive as a child.
Your child self consists of the Wounded Child (the 4 to 5-year-old part of you) and the Adapted Child (the 6+ year old part of you). The Wounded Child is the part of you that holds your pain and sadness. The Adapted Child is the part of you that figured out how to adapt to the family system you were brought up in and how to manage the pain, sadness, etc. Your Adapted Child self learned that it was not safe to experience your feelings – that you might be rejected or shamed if you did that – so you had to learn to regulate your feelings on your own through various coping strategies, defense mechanisms, etc.
A significant part of healing and recovery is about the Functional Adult stepping in so that the Adapted Child can stop relying on those (often maladaptive) coping strategies for self-soothing and survival.
This healing and reparenting work brings about deep and lasting change. But here’s the deal: In difficult situations, we often have moments where our child ego states will step in and say, “Hi, I’m still here and I think you need my help.” Basically, the Wounded Child has feelings and the Adapted Child steps in to take care of things. In general it looks like this:
Wounded Child feels: Adapted child parents by: Functional Adult Reparents by:
| Less-than/worthless | Criticizing & Attacking | Affirming |
| Abandoned & needy | Neglecting & Abandoning | Nurturing |
| Out of control | Indulging | Setting Limits |
This pattern can arise if we aren’t feeling well, we’re stressed at work or if we’re living in the middle of a worldwide pandemic.
What I’m noticing as I’m working with my clients in recent months is that their abandoned, needy, and out of control feelings are getting pinged by the pandemic. Abandonment feelings are getting triggered because we can’t go anywhere or see anyone. And the out of control feelings are getting triggered because, well, there is so much right now that we can’t control: the virus, how quickly a vaccine will come, when stay-at-home orders will be lifted, how long this will take, etc.
The ways that the Adapted Child part of us steps in to ‘help’ us will vary from person to person but it may look something like this:
- Poor self-care
- Late paying bills
- Not standing up for ourselves
- Isolating
- Shutting down emotionally
- Staying up too late
- Rage/intense anger (directed inward or outward)
- Excess: eating, electronics, substances
This isn’t an exhaustive list and, as stated above, it will look different for everyone. But my guess is that you can see yourself somewhere in it.
OK, so now we have a clearer sense of what the heck is happening and the question is what do we do about it? Just recognizing what’s going on is a significant first step. When we acknowledge what’s happening for us, it creates space and opportunity for change. But that’s only the first step toward healing.
Next, we must acknowledge to the Adapted Child part of ourselves that we recognize it is trying to help and we appreciate it, but the Functional Adult is going to step in and take care of things now, including navigating life in the midst of the pandemic. This conscious acknowledgment helps us get into our Functional Adult self and to reparent through nurturing and setting limits.
This process is not about doing anything perfectly. It’s about taking steps of self-care in ways that are a good fit for us. It’s about showing up for ourselves in the best way that we can at any given moment – by reaching out to a friend, writing in our journal, taking a walk, going to bed a bit earlier, or turning off our electronics for a time.
Everyone keeps saying this but it’s true, we will get through this. One day at a time. And one day at a time we can take a breath and step into our Functional Adult selves, which will help us to stay stay in the moment, do the next indicated thing, and keep showing up in healthy ways for ourselves and others.