Over the years I’ve had clients tell me that they feel good about themselves and don’t struggle with self-esteem. When I ask them to say more about what self-esteem means to them, I’m usually given a list of reasons why they have value:

Notice that the things on this list are external factors. That’s the kind of thing I usually get when I ask people to make a list of what gives them worth and value as a person.

But the thing is, that’s not self-esteem—that’s simply a list of attributes. The premise of healthy self-esteem is grounded in the reality that our worth and value is inherent—that we have the capacity to esteem from within. 

According to dictionary.com, inherent means “existing in someone or something as a permanent and inseparable element.” In other words, there’s nothing that can add to or take away from your worth and value. It is constant and unchangeable. Period.   

Rather than, “you have worth and value because of x or y,” it’s more accurate to say, ”You have worth and value, and oh, by the way, you’re good at x or you did y.”

I’ve found, though, that most people don’t believe that’s true. Some can give intellectual assent to its truth, but when it comes to believing it deep down and applying it to the way they relate to themselves and others, it’s a different story. Others don’t even have a category that it could be possible that they have inherent worth and value.

The reality is most people operate as if their value is on some sort of slider. If you perform well at work or live in a nice neighborhood, the slider goes up. If you forget a friend’s birthday, the slider goes down. Asked out on a date? The slider goes up. Late paying a bill? The slider goes down. But there usually isn’t a steady middle ground of feeling value and worth simply because you exist.

So where does this up and down pendulum swing come from?

Our belief in whether our value is solid and constant or a moving target is rooted in our relationship with our primary caregivers. That’s where we’re first taught to believe either that our worth is based on our existence, that we have value because we live and breathe, or that it’s based on external factors (I have value because of ____).  

Most of our parents struggled with their own sense of worthiness and related to us out of that belief, sending the message that our value as a person comes with conditions. This is rarely conscious or intentional, and it can be explicit or subtle, but its impact is profound regardless. Some examples of what this might look like:

• Being compared to a sibling
• Receiving regular criticism
• Not receiving affection (we believe there must be something wrong with us)
• Nothing you did ever being good enough
• Being evaluated by your looks, performance, etc.
• Being treated as if you were perfect and could do no wrong (this gives the message that it isn’t OK to be a fallible human)
• Being shamed (for your body, grades, your interests, being too loud, having needs, etc.)     

This list could go on and on. But these painful experiences and resulting beliefs about our worth are the foundation of our struggles with self-esteem. And this plays out in how we think about, talk to, and treat ourselves and others. 

The message that our value is attached to external factors is shame-based, and the result is that we spend our time and energy working to prove our value to ourselves and others. The problem is that it doesn’t work. We never seem to be good enough, smart enough, successful enough, etc. It becomes a never-ending search for the thing that’s finally going to make us feel OK inside. It’s a search for a holy grail that doesn’t exist.

Feeling shame about who we are is on a continuum – from a general sense of “I’m not quite good enough” to feeling utterly worthless. Regardless of where you fall on that continuum, the shame you experience is real, and it matters. 

If we believe that we have inherent worth and live from that place, we treat ourselves with respect and kindness, regardless of the circumstances. We operate out of a belief that our inherent worth can’t increase or decrease based on our behavior, choices, personality, etc.

This brings freedom to be who we are, try new things, ask questions, and enjoy ourselves. Imagine not having the constant pressure to look around and compare yourself to everyone around you as you move through life. 

Approaches that try to address self-esteem issues from the outside in miss the mark. No amount of success, change in thinking or behavior is going to address the deeply held and felt belief that at the core, you aren’t good enough or that there’s something wrong with you.

There’s no quick fix for self-worth struggles. I can’t give you 10 quick ways to build up your self-esteem, because it doesn’t work that way. To experience true belief in your inherent worth and value, you have to do the work to heal the trauma that created your sense of worthlessness or not-enoughness. That’s the deal. I know no other way to bring about transformation in this area. 

It’s hard work. Really hard work. And like most things, it changes incrementally over time. But it really is possible for you to live without hustling to prove your worthiness every day. I’m living proof of that.

I’m leaving you with a simple exercise that will help you look realistically at how worth and value struggles show up in your life. I hope it’s helpful for you.  

First, I invite you to get to know what your ‘slider’ looks like.  What do you believe adds to or subtracts from your worth and value? Take a few minutes and write down whatever comes to mind without filtering anything. 

Then, for several days, keep track of when you feel your value goes up and when you feel it goes down. Take a piece of paper and draw a vertical line down the middle. At the top of one side of the page, write Slider Down. At the top of the other side, write Slider Up. At the end of the day, jot down situations where your value slid up or down. 

This next step is the most important one. Share what you learned with your sponsor, therapist or trusted friend. Don’t sit with this information alone. Try to approach it with openness and curiosity and see what you learn.