Sometimes we make emotions—and even the subject of emotions—more complicated than they really are. Emotions and our experience of them can be complex, but when it comes down to it, they’re fairly straightforward.
What complicates emotions is when we don’t have language for them, when we have spent a lifetime stuffing them down, or when we can’t even identify what we’re feeling. These types of experiences with our feelings trace back to our families of origin.
In some families, denial or dismissal of emotions is overt. Your parents may have said things like, “You really shouldn’t be angry about this” or “Stop crying.” In other families, the mishandling of emotions is more subtle. And in many families, it’s a mix of both. Here are five common examples:
- Parents don’t give language to emotions.
One of the essential roles of a parent is to help children recognize and name what they’re feeling. In the early stages of development, you didn’t have the words for their internal world—it’s the caregiver’s job to connect with them and give that language.
As attachment-based parenting expert Daniel Hughes explains: “The parent is attuned to the child’s subjective experience, makes sense of those experiences, and communicates them back to the child.”
Notice that Hughes says that the parent is attuned to the child’s experience. Not their own experience—not what they think their child should or shouldn’t feel. This requires connection and attunement so the parent has a felt sense of what their child is feeling and experiencing.
- A parent is boundaryless with their emotions, so there’s no room for anyone else’s.
In some homes, a parent’s emotions spill over and dominate the household. This could look like explosive rage or something quieter, like pervasive depression. Either way, the parent doesn’t manage their emotional life in a healthy way.
When this happens, the caregiver’s emotions take up all the oxygen in the room, leaving little or no space for anyone else to have or express their own feelings.
- Emotions are invalidated.
When a child’s emotional reality is minimized or invalidated, they learn their emotions don’t matter. Parents make dismissive comments that send the message that the child’s inner world is wrong, unnecessary or too much. For example:
- “It’s not a big deal.”
- “You have nothing to cry about.”
- “Calm down, there’s no reason to get so excited.”
- “You shouldn’t feel hurt. Mom didn’t mean what she said.”
- “Don’t cry, it’ll be ok, you’re fine.”
Invalidation can also look like being ignored altogether—your sadness, anger, or joy going unnoticed. Sometimes it even takes the form of shaming: being teased for crying or told something was “wrong” with you for feeling a certain way.
- There’s no support or comfort to handle emotions.
Children need caregivers to provide a safe context to feel big emotions—whether joy, sadness, anger or excitement. They need comfort and support. They need to feel heard and understood.
As Daniel Siegel puts it, children need to “feel felt.” Without this, they may grow up unsure of how to process emotions or whether it’s even okay to have them.
- The child feels responsible for a parent’s emotions.
This one is important but is often overlooked, even though it’s fairly common. Some children are given the message that they are responsible for a parent’s mood or overall well-being.
The truth is, no child can cause or control a parent’s emotional state. Adults are responsible for their own feelings. But children don’t know that. They trust their caregivers, so when parents imply otherwise, kids believe it.
Examples include:
- A child being told it’s their fault dad got so angry and hit mom.
- A child being blamed for making mom sad by not giving her a hug.
- A child feeling like it’s her job to cheer dad up when he’s down.
- A child carefully reading mom’s mood after work, trying to prevent her anger by being “good.”
There are many variations and nuances to these patterns, but I hope these examples encourage you to reflect on how emotions were handled in your own family. As you do, remember: it’s possible to develop a new and healthier relationship with your emotions. You no longer have to deny what you experienced—or deny your own emotional reality.