Whether or not you’re in 12-step recovery, you’ve likely heard of the Serenity Prayer. The original version (see below) is attributed to Reinhold Neibuhr, but the shortened version is the one with which most people are familiar:
God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
It’s a simple prayer, but a powerful one. It’s something I return to regularly and consider a foundational part of my recovery toolbox—especially in moments of activation, when I feel out of sorts, or my nervous system feels overwhelmed. Sometimes, just saying it out loud is enough to help me pause, ground, and reset.
Other times, though, I need to spell it out more intentionally—to let the meaning sink in and see how it applies to the specific situation I’m facing. When I engage with the prayer in this way, it becomes less abstract and much more grounded. It’s an exercise I’ve found deeply helpful in my own recovery, and one I often recommend to my clients.
For some people, the Serenity Prayer can feel overused, overly simple, or even dismissive at first. I get that. And still, I’ve found that when I slow it down and really engage with it, it becomes far more practical than it might initially seem.
Let me show you what I mean.
Here’s an example of a situation many people find themselves in during the holiday season—though this tool can be applied to all kinds of situations, big or small.
You’re spending time with your family of origin, and someone says or does something that feels activating. For example, your mother makes an underhanded comment about your parenting. Here’s what it might look like to use the Serenity Prayer in that moment.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (List what cannot be changed about the situation.)
• My mother made the comment.
• I chose to come to her house. (This is not a judgment—just a fact.)
This is an act of accepting the situation as it is. Acceptance does not mean approval. It doesn’t mean excusing harmful behavior or deciding that what happened was okay—it simply means acknowledging reality as it exists in this moment.
The “what if I had…” or “I shouldn’t have…” or “why did I…” line of thinking can’t change what already happened. Instead, it often fuels anger, anxiety, or overwhelm. It can also be a way of avoiding your felt experience—or a way of trying to reclaim a sense of power when you suddenly feel small, powerless, or like a kid standing in your mother’s kitchen.
The courage to change the things I can (List what you do have some say over.)
• You could walk into another room.
• You could acknowledge what you’re feeling.
• You could practice acceptance—the reality that your mother is unhealthy and this is what she does.
• You could send a text to a supportive friend.
• You could take a deep breath.
• You could set a boundary with your mother about not commenting on your parenting.
Notice that the list of things you can change is significantly longer than the list of things you can’t. I consistently find that to be true. We always have choices in any situation—always. Sometimes those choices are small and internal rather than big or visible. In especially difficult moments, the most available choice might be to breathe, to offer yourself compassion, or to choose not to engage further—and those choices still matter.
And the wisdom to know the difference
If you’re unsure whether something belongs in the “can change” or “can’t change” category—maybe you’re wondering if you could make your mother see that she’s in the wrong—you can name that uncertainty and come back to it later. You might talk it through with a trusted recovery friend, therapist, or sponsor. Or you might return to the beginning of the prayer and sit with it again to see if more clarity emerges.
If using the prayer in the moment feels too hard, it can also be helpful to come back to it later—writing it out once your body has settled and you have a bit more space to reflect.
I encourage you to try using the Serenity Prayer as a recovery tool and see how it works for you. You can use this approach or connect with it in a way that feels more natural and fitting for you.
Below are a few alternate versions of the prayer. If the traditional wording doesn’t resonate, see if one of these is a better fit—or write your own.
This is a practice you may return to again and again. Needing repetition doesn’t mean you’re failing—it simply means you’re human, and that healing and recovery unfold over time.
The heart of the practice is this: seeking acceptance around what is out of your control, turning toward something bigger than you (God, Higher Power, Source, Nature) and reminding yourself—again and again—that you always have a choice in how you respond.
Alternate Versions of the Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity…
Serenity meaning that I no longer recoil from the past, live in jeopardy because of my behavior now, or worry about the unknown future. I seek regular times to recreate myself and I avoid those times of depletion which make me vulnerable to despair and to old self-destructive patterns.
To accept the things I cannot change…
Accept change in that I not cause suffering for myself by clinging to that which no longer exists. All that I can count on is that nothing will be stable except now I respond to the transforming cycles in my life of birth, growth and death.
To change the things I can…
Which means remembering that to give up my attempts to control outcomes does not require I give up my boundaries of my best effort. It does mean my most honest appraisal of the limits of what I can do.
And the wisdom to know the difference…
Wisdom becomes the never forgotten recognition of all those times when there was no way out, and new paths opened up like miracles in my life.
- Dr Patrick Carnes, A Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.
- ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families)
God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.
- Reinhold Neibuhr
I seek the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
- Tim Sledge
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, which is pretty much everyone, since I’m clearly not you, God. At least not the last time I checked. And while you’re at it, God, please give me the courage to change what I need to change about myself, which is frankly a lot, since, once again, I’m not you, which means I’m not perfect. It’s better for me to focus on changing myself than to worry about changing other people, who, as you’ll no doubt remember me saying, I can’t change anyway. Finally, give me the wisdom to just shut up whenever I think that I’m clearly smarter than everyone else in the room, that no one knows what they’re talking about except me, or that I alone have all the answers. Basically God, grant me the wisdom to remember that I’m not you. Amen.
- From America Media – a Jesuit Ministry
God, grant me the serenity to stop beating myself up for
not doing things perfectly, the courage to forgive myself because I am working on doing better, and the wisdom to know that you already love me just the way I am.
- Eleanor Brownn
God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
- Unknown