You’re crying, you feel unsettled, and your stomach hurts—yet you don’t know why. You don’t have words for what you’re experiencing. A trusted friend or your therapist asks, “What’s going on?” and you find yourself at a loss for how to answer that question.
Have you had that experience? It can feel incredibly unsettling, like being adrift in a sea of emotions and body sensations without a map.
Sometimes you might automatically respond, “I don’t know,” a quick, reflexive answer. This can serve as a type of protective barrier, a wall that keeps you from being curious about what you’re truly feeling.
Other times, you might have a vague awareness of what’s bothering you, yet find it challenging to articulate those feelings—either because you’re reluctant to share or simply can’t find the right words.
But there are also times when you truly don’t have an answer for what’s going on, and that can feel quite disconcerting. You don’t have words for what’s happening because you carry experiences and emotions in your heart, body, and soul that are beyond verbal expression.
This often stems from experiences in childhood when you had limited language (or no language at all)—a time before your prefrontal cortex, the thinking part of your brain, fully developed. In these moments, your body recalls something implicitly (unconscious, usually body-based) that your mind doesn’t remember explicitly (words, images, etc.). Either way, what you’re feeling is real and valid.
I’m often asked about how to handle those moments. What can you do when you’re experiencing something real emotionally and/or physically and you don’t know why?
There are many answers to that question, but here are some ideas that have been helpful personally and for my clients:
Don’t discount what’s happening.
People can tend to dismiss what they’re feeling and experiencing because they don’t know how to explain it or understand where it’s coming from. In other words, “Oh, it’s nothing. I shouldn’t be feeling this way”.
We want to get away from the uncertainty and unsettledness as quickly as possible—and why wouldn’t we? It’s really uncomfortable!
Just because you can’t identify the source of your feelings or how to articulate them, doesn’t mean they aren’t significant. The fact that you’re experiencing them makes them important.
Don’t go directly to “figuring out” or explaining what’s going on.
People often also try to immediately explain the cause of their experience or figure things out. “What is this? Why is this happening? What’s wrong with me?” We spend time and energy on trying to make sense of the emotions or body sensations.
All are natural responses, and there’s nothing necessarily wrong with them. But when we move into “figure out” mode too quickly, we get up in our head and out of our felt experience, which tends to shut it down. This is often the reason we go there in the first place—it’s a protective strategy to try to manage what’s happening.
Notice what’s happening in your body.
The key here is just to notice. Not explain or figure out, not judge, not change—just notice. Just this act is a way to connect with your experience. It gets you in your body and helps you start to pay attention to what’s happening for you.
One way to do this is to do a body scan. Start either at your toes or the top of your head and scan your body for any kind of sensation. If you notice anything, pause there for a moment, acknowledge the sensation, and depending on your comfort level, you have a couple of options:
You can move on to the next part of your body, or you can see if that sensation has anything to tell you. I find it helpful to ask myself, “If this sensation had words, what would it say?” then pause and see what comes up. In my experience, if words are going to come up, they do so pretty quickly. Remember, this is about being in your body, not in your head, so move on if nothing comes right away.
If you can, try to stay with what’s going on.
If you’ve spent much of your life disconnected from your body (as most childhood trauma survivors had to do), letting yourself stay with your emotions and body sensations can be uncomfortable. It takes some getting used to. Just know that it is common.
If you’ve been blocked off from your emotions for decades, they aren’t going to come flooding back all at once, which is actually a good thing. The strategies that kept you from your emotions are going to stay in place for as long as you need them to.
Just stay with your emotions and body sensations as much as you can. Rather than focus on stopping them, just try to notice them.
Try creative expression.
For those of you who are thinking, “I’m not creative,” let me clarify. I’m not talking about creating some sort of masterpiece. (Side note: I believe every person is creative—we’re just unique in how our creativity is expressed.)
What I am talking about is expressing what’s in your heart, body, and emotions in a way other than narrative form in your journal. It can be a way to get around your mind and into what’s happening for you. It’s also a way to be connected to your body.
Whatever creative expression you choose, I encourage you to share it with your therapist and/or another trusted person in your life. There are various ways this could look, but here are some ideas to get you started:
- Collage – Gather a bunch of magazines. Connect with what you’re feeling emotionally and/or physically and pull out any words, colors, or images that resonate. The key here is not to try to figure out an image and then go look for it. Feel what you’re feeling. Go with whatever strikes you without trying to figure out why.
Once you’ve done that, glue/tape your words, etc. on paper (or cardboard or anything else that feels relevant), again without thinking too much about it. Still guided by what you’re feeling. What you’ll end up with is an expression of what’s happening for you. - Draw – It doesn’t matter if you draw well. Draw stick figures, lines, and various shapes. Use different colors. Scribble on the page. The point is to express what’s in your heart.
- Write individual words –- I’m not talking about journaling and writing paragraphs. This is about writing individual words or short phrases in a way that reflects what’s happening in your body. For example, if you’re feeling intense anger you might write, “I’M ANGRY” in huge letters with red marker, over and over on a big piece of paper—a very different experience than writing the same thing in regular sized letters in your journal.
- Free movement – Check in with your body and see what it wants to do. Maybe you feel like shaking your hands, stretching, or stomping your feet. Or perhaps you feel like putting on music and letting your body move with it.
Connecting with our emotions and body sensations can feel like a wild ride, especially when we’re not quite sure what’s going on. It’s totally normal to feel unsettled at times, but here’s the thing—it can also lead to some valuable self-discovery.
Instead of running away from those confusing feelings, try leaning into them. Take a moment to notice what’s happening in your body and mind without stressing about putting it into words. It’s all about connecting with yourself on a deeper level.
And guess what? You’re not alone in this. So many people (including me!) have this type of experience. So give yourself permission to feel whatever you’re feeling. The words may come when you’re ready, or you might discover that just being in the moment is enough. Take a deep breath, trust the process, and honor your emotions as they unfold.
