Just take things one day at a time. A phrase I’m sure you’ve heard and maybe even used before for yourself or others. But have you really stopped to think about what it means?
At first glance it can come across as trite or even dismissive. Like when it’s said as a way to shut feelings down. Yet when it’s used intentionally, it’s anything but trite. When I tell myself or my clients to take things one day at a time, it’s a reminder that it’s safe to be in the present, even when the present moment is connecting you to the past. And it’s a way to be grounded in the now that allows you to think about the future without overwhelm.
One day at a time is rich and nuanced and can be a support, but can also be a way to avoid.
I find one day at a time helpful with the trauma healing process as a whole and when doing acute work, or when there’s a lot going on in life in general.
A one day at a time perspective is helpful in trauma recovery because the healing process can feel overwhelming at times. Thinking about how much work you have left to do on your childhood trauma or thinking about your childhood at all – that can feel overwhelming. You’ve left a difficult therapy session and the big feelings are still with you – that can be a lot. Wondering if it’s possible to heal or not being able to see how things will ever get better – that can feel like too much. When your mind is swarming with “What ifs?” – that can feel overwhelming.
Those are times when it can be supportive to stay in the day or moment that you’re currently experiencing.
For me this looks like using the phrase as a kind of mantra throughout the day. I say it to myself with a steadying energy. Or I gently bring myself back to whatever it is that I happen to be doing in the moment. I acknowledge my mind is running but bring myself to the fact that I’m heading to the kitchen for some water. When I was doing regular trauma healing work, it looked like thinking of one or two things I could do that day to support my recovery. And if there are circumstances when one day at a time feels like too much, I break it down to one hour at a time.
There’s a simplicity to this concept, but it’s not always easy. Sometimes focusing on one day at a time or one moment at a time can be used as a type of avoidance and can get in the way of healing.
Healing work only focused on changing today’s thoughts and behaviors as a way to avoid the past allows your unhealed trauma more room to wreak havoc on your life. The healing work around your childhood trauma is what leads to lasting change. You can’t do that if you’re focused on today as a way of avoiding.
I’ve had clients tell me that they’ve been advised by caring, well-meaning therapists that they don’t need to think about the past but to stay in the present moment. And that’s appropriate when you’re in crisis or as you’re building the foundation at the beginning of therapy. But staying there means you’re missing out on healing that will change your life.
Sometimes we focus on today to avoid thinking about the future. Maybe it’s because the future feels scary or we’re uncomfortable with unknowns. Or it could be that we lack hope – or hope feels too risky – so it’s easier to stay in today. In a way, this also is about avoiding dealing with the past. Because it’s the unfinished business from childhood that sometimes drives fear of and doubt about the future.
But as you heal, you start to move out of survival mode, and you’ll feel less of a need to avoid the past or future.
A way to think about one day at a time is that being able to be present in today allows you to work through past trauma and be open to what’s ahead of you on the path. Being in today can ground you in your current reality (something that wasn’t safe for you as a child), which provides a foundation from which you can explore your past and your future. It’s what makes it safe to connect with a painful memory. And it’s what lets you look ahead with curiosity instead of dread or overwhelm.
This idea of standing firmly in today while staying open to the past and the future is different from the black and white way of thinking that most of us developed as we navigated difficult childhoods. It’s not either/or. It’s both. One day at a time may be how you’ve gotten through. Over time, it can also become how you stay present to your life.