It’s late November. Some of you have been feeling dread in your body as the holiday season approaches. In our culture, November and December (regardless of faith tradition) tends to bring the pressure to feel all happiness, all the time.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with happiness and joy, and there can be an exciting buzz in the air when this time of year rolls around. But some of us are already counting down the days until January 2nd, when the holiday season is officially over.
This dread could stem from childhood trauma linked to the holidays, or perhaps this is your first year without a loved one during this time. You might be navigating your own struggles and find it hard to muster the energy or desire to engage in holiday festivities. It’s also possible that you’re feeling the weight of the intense energy that has surrounded us in recent years. Whatever your reason, it is valid.
As you head into the holiday season, here are some things to keep in mind:
Share what you’re experiencing with others
Whatever you feel—dread, fear, ambivalence, numbness, confusion—matters, and it’s almost certain you aren’t the only one having this experience. Talk to trusted friends, your therapist, or your sponsor about these feelings. Especially during a time that’s “supposed” to feel celebratory, the tendency for many of us is to keep things to ourselves. But connecting with others is healing in itself, because it means we’re operating outside of old beliefs and survival strategies. You’re also likely to receive and/or offer experience, strength, and hope. If you only choose one thing to implement from this list, this is it.
Make decisions based on what feels best for you (as you’re able)
I understand this can be challenging. Many people from dysfunctional family backgrounds have experienced having their realities invalidated and their needs overlooked repeatedly, making the idea of prioritizing ourselves feel unfamiliar. That’s why I emphasized “as you’re able.” There’s no single right way to approach this. Even making one decision based on your own desires can be a significant step toward healing and growth.
Focus on what feels best for you, not necessarily what you think is best. In difficult situations, our minds can become cluttered, so it’s important to tune into your body as you make decisions. For instance, if you’re invited to a dinner party with colleagues but already have several other commitments that week, take a moment to reflect on each option. I like to say “try it on.” Visualize yourself at the dinner party and notice how your body responds. Then, imagine not going and observe those feelings as well.
If you’re new to connecting with your body, this might feel strange or scary, or you may find it hard to discern what your body is telling you. That’s completely normal. Be patient with yourself as you learn to navigate this.
Have a self-care plan if you’re going to be with your family of origin
Many of you will spend time with your family of origin over the holiday season. I strongly suggest that you have a plan in place before you do so. As you gain clarity about your family—what you experienced, what things were really like—being around them can be difficult. Having a plan in place can help.
Your plan will be unique, but here are some ideas:
- Stay in a hotel rather than with your family
- Make sure you have your own car
- Touch base with a recovery friend every day
- Make sure you have time to yourself
- Have something with you that’s grounding, comforting, and/or reminds you of your recovery
Involve your support people in the creation of your plan (see point 1!). Have them look at it and give you feedback, or maybe you’ll want someone to help you make it.
Be present and available to whatever you might experience this season
Whatever you’re experiencing this holiday season is valid. There’s no right or wrong way to feel. As much as you are able, stand in your reality of what this season is like for you. Even if it differs from someone else’s.
Your reality includes your thoughts, your feelings and your experiences – not other’s thoughts, feelings and experiences — yours. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t consider or care about others’ reality during this time. Caring about what others are going through is part of building connections, and that’s valuable. Just try not to let the reality of others determine yours and be sure to honor your own feelings along the way.
Plan activities you enjoy
If you dread the holidays (and even if you don’t), plan a few things to do that will be fun for you. Some of you may need help figuring out what you like—that’s not unusual. It’s going to look different for everyone. It could be something big or small. Maybe it’s a hike that you’ve been wanting to try, a game night with friends, or driving around looking at lights. Whatever it is, I encourage you to choose at least one activity specifically for you.
Take it one day at a time
I used to deeply dread holiday time. I spent all of December (and usually most of November) wanting it to be January, which meant I was rarely present for any of it, even the fun parts. If that’s been your experience, take it one day at a time. Navigate each day as it comes, allowing it to bring what it will while being as present as you can. If it’s difficult, be present for that, if it’s fun, be present for the fun, and if it’s neutral, be present for that, too.
I wish you serenity this holiday season, in whatever ways you’re able to experience it.
